2020: Do Not Recommend

Everyone has had one hell of a year. That’s obvious. You can talk to anyone and hear what a struggle it’s been for each person…so it’s no different for me when I say it’s been one HELL of a year.

We started the year off with my dad moving out so we could take in 2 teenagers, Ryan’s brother and sister til the end of the school year. We bought a car we couldn’t afford so we could accommodate everyone and I could take all the kids to and from school every day. 2 months later COVID hit. We were 7 people stuck in our 1200 square foot condo.

Summer came and went and we spent many evenings taking walks, swimming every day, bike rides, grilling often and trips to the park. Maeva learned how to ride a 2 wheel bike, we renovated our kitchen, did countless DIY projects in our house and tried to get through the daunting craziness of the pandemic. The teenagers left for their dad’s house and we tried finding our new normal in a world of lockdowns, wearing masks and isolation.

On top of that, we discovered our cat had diabetes and I had the worst time knowing what to do for him. It’s not cheap to care for him with this new diagnosis and I had originally relinquished him, sobbing. But after 6 weeks, the shelter called us asking if we would take him back because he was so depressed and they knew that I really did want to keep him, but financially it was a hardship. So we bit the bullet, and I brought him back home. Now that I’m used to giving him insulin, I’m so glad he’s home. He’s my companion after the kids go to bed and keeps me company at night and I swear, he’s so much more grateful to be home as well.

I barely remember the Fall. All the days just blend into a nightmare. I managed to score a new job that I love, filed for a divorce, and started to experience a roller coaster of emotions I never thought possible to feel…all at the same time. Hurt, deceit, pain, sadness, exhaustion, relief, disappointment, peace, love and heartbreak. What a humbling time for me. I learned to accept help that was offered to me and even ask for help when I needed it most. Discovered friendships that will last a lifetime, witnessed loyalty and support in overwhelming waves and started to fall in love with myself again, acknowledge my worth, see and love my natural beauty…without the validation of anyone else. Yet, consoling the breaking hearts of my children at the same time. One of the hardest roles I’ve ever had to play.

The holidays were a little different this year, but priceless to see my kids’ faces on Christmas and reveling in the holiday cheer and excitement of it all. I’m SO grateful to have been able to spend it with the best people. Friends that have become family and taken us in as their own. Adopted my kids as their grandkids with open arms, no hesitation. So much love around us it still makes me cry most days. I am so blessed…and so are my kids.

And here I am finishing out the year in style. On my couch, with a glass of moscato in hand watching a RomCom. Quarantined with my 3 children in the same 1200 square foot condo because I have COVID. And honestly, when I sit back and think about all that’s happened in the last year I have to laugh at how outrageous is all seems because otherwise it’s so easy to throw in the towel, weep and give up. Yet, I wake up each day and find a way to get through each day because my kids are watching. Depending on me. Looking to me for strength. I’m in a different head space now than when I started the year, but all I can hope is that it’s prepared me for the next chapter…whatever that may bring. But please, 2021, be a little more gentle, ok?

“She was brave and strong and broken all at once.” – Anna Funder