A Backbone Made of Steel & A Heart Made of Gold

It’s in the moments of change that bring me to reflect on my life.

As I picked up my youngest from daycare today, he ran over and gave me a great big hug and beaming up at me said, “Maman! I missed you!” and I couldn’t help but crouch down and hold him for just a moment to revel in the feeling.

So many times I find myself complaining or venting about all the many bumps in the road. Especially in this season of my life, there is so much on my plate. I started a new career almost 6 months ago, continuing to build a new life of my own, created a home, made necessary changes to care for my children while setting my passions aside, and embracing the changes that are constantly coming in my direction. I have become a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I remember telling myself I couldn’t imagine raising these kids as a single parent. Yet here I am… exchanged the “stay at home” life for a total 180. And I feel like I can safely say that I am thriving as I do so. I have made some amazing friends along the way and relationships that have challenged and molded me into who I am now. I have been forced to expand my mindset, shift priorities, and make necessary life adjustments. Yes, it is incredibly difficult and I am exhausted at the end of each day shuffling all things “mom life” while also maintaining my own personal life balance.

I treasure my alone time when the kids are with their dad and I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it just doesn’t feel long enough. I realize that I am blessed to get a break…it is a huge perk of divorce. There are days when the struggle of being a single mom takes a toll and co-parenting just feels like an extra task. I don’t want to think about another appointment or another bill that has to be paid or groceries, dinner, homework, rent, laundry, dishes, daycare, work, the list goes on. So many things to think about on my own and coordinate, facilitate, plan and juggle. I never would’ve imagined I would be where I am today. As hard as it is, I am so empowered to stop and take a second to appreciate my journey. This is MY home. I pay for this all on my own (and trust me, it is NOT cheap). I have created my happy place. I am in a healthy, thriving relationship where love and challenge blend flawlessly. I work my ass off day in and day out for the things I have and to give my kids the things they want and need. Every decision I make, they are on my mind. Whether I am with them or not. I know that one day they will see and appreciate all that I have done to help them succeed.

I will be brutally honest and I will admit that there are a lot of days when I think that this whole parenting thing just isn’t for me. Obviously I can’t undo it, but I wish someone would’ve shook me and forced me to listen to what life would really be like. I might’ve reconsidered. This whole “mom life” is completely overwhelming and absolutely life altering. Yup, you heard me. When I’m not with my kids, am I a blubbering mess and I miss them terribly? No. Do I still love them? Most of the time. Call me out, judge me, shame me…whatever. At least I’ll shoot it to you straight because I guarantee every mom has thought it…but probably not shared it with anyone because GASP how shocking! I truly can’t believe I have 3 humans. Mine. Those are MY kids. Still blows my mind. Anyway… end tangent.

All that to say, I am greatly aware that my life would be completely different had I not had kids…duh. Some days it is much more at the forefront of my mind than others. But today, as I was picking up the kids after my busy work day, I was perfectly content in picking them all up for my time. Jumping right back into our routine and carefully paying attention and validating each of them.

This past weekend I asked Mike, “if you could describe me in 1 word, what would it be?” He thought about it for two days. “Caring. Almost to a fault.” Interesting to see through someone else’s lens.