There are days that really catch me off guard. Today started like any other Saturday; lounging in bed for a bit while each of the kids woke up and the busyness of a full house started to take shape. A cloudy and drizzly morning made for a quiet day inside…I made my coffee, made breakfast, worked for a bit, kids played, I paid bills etc. And after Saxon’s nap, we headed to my brother’s place for a barbecue.
My brother’s place is only twenty minutes from me and it felt like a new world. Peaceful and quiet. The kids literally spent the entire time outside exploring all the animals, the garden, and jumping on the trampoline. I didn’t see them for more than a couple minutes at a time. So many opportunities to take photos of the pure joy and innocence as they played, laughed and reveled in the experience…yet I didn’t take a single one. I just soaked in the sight.
Like a lot of people, I haven’t been able to see a lot of my family because of COVID. In fact, most of them I haven’t seen since Christmas 2019. What a crazy thought! So much has happened since then. Time flies without even realizing it. I was in a completely different place of my life then. I’ve been divorced since then and completely evolved. People have changed and gotten older. And all of a sudden this reality hit me in a big way.
It’s been more than a year and a half since I’ve been able to wrap my arms around my grandmother and today caught me by surprise. We both just sat in each other’s arms and sobbed for a couple minutes. I don’t think I have ever seen her cry like that before. Ever. We didn’t even have to exchange words…a thousand words were expressed just through an embrace. Love, support, compassion, relief, heartbreak, sorrow, healing, comfort and joy. She’s gotten older and we each have gone through some significant life changes. Both very different, but changes none the less. She’s caring for her husband as he is getting older and I went through my divorce and am living a completely different phase of my life than when she last saw me. My grandpa’s memory is quickly declining and was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy last month and I didn’t even know! So it REALLY caught me off guard when I saw him. He looked so old! The man that I remembered had a bounce in his step, whistled all the time and had a twinkle in his eye. And here, he sat in front of me with a walker, a patch on his eye to hide his drooping face and the realities of my aging grandparents hit me hard. I can’t imagine how she must feel taking care of him day in and day out and watching him in this state. They lived with us when we were kids and were a key element in our childhood. And all of sudden a strong realization of how precious life is, hit me like a rock in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cry. My mom’s heath has been on the decline, as well. So many unknowns and tests and waiting. Watching her struggle to even catch her breath after a few steps is staggering to witness. It’s hard to see and think about life without them in it. Time is precious.
So why is this all hitting me so hard right now? I don’t know…but if I can try to pinpoint it, I’d say that as I look back to the past and move forward on my life path, I’m a whole lot more willing to be more adventurous and take the risks of living a full life of no regrets. Say “yes” more. Try something new. Laugh a little more. Take the time. Speak my mind. Let loose. Love fully. What have I got to lose?! There is magic in the little moments…I just have to consciously push the mindless hustle to the side and remember what matters most in this life. Creating memories with the people that are still here to share them with me.
Broken Crayons Still Color 
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