Grief Is Like Glitter

153 days.

Hands down, the most brutal days of my life.

Nobody gets married with the intention that one day they’ll get divorced. Yes, marriage is very hard and a lot of work and it can be amazing! A deep connection and so fulfilling and a love that has been nurtured and created with tenderness and care. But when shit hits the fan, you have a choice to either overcome, forgive, be the change and move forward or it can be a detrimental spiral downhill at a speed that will make your head spin.

Yes, there are always two sides to every story, but actions will always tell a louder one.

To go from such deep love and commitment, hope, forgiveness and joy to anxiety, fear, rejection and utter heartbreak is enough to bring someone to their knees. I can’t express the strength it takes to wake up each day and put on a good face for my children, my job, and carry on with all the day to day responsibilities of caring for my children and their emotions, needs, and their own heartbreak, maintaining a home (and getting it ready to sell), moving, finances and trying to keep from completely breaking at the end of the day. Do you know how it feels to console your children as they cry every night for months and be the strength they so deeply cling to and reach for while I’m completely shattering inside? To tell them that everything will be ok then walk out of the room wiping away my own tears? It’s a pain I hope I never have to endure again. Because once upon a time, someone would’ve been in the other room waiting to take me in their arms, who I could weep on their shoulder and share my deepest grief and sorrow. But instead, they’re somewhere else. With someone else. And despite all that, all I can do is take a deep breath and carry on. Because if I don’t do it, who will?

A friend said it perfectly… when getting divorced, you’re not just grieving the loss of the past but also grieving the future and hope of what could’ve been. All those hopes, promises, vows and dreams you created together are no longer and it’s absolutely crushing. How could someone literally turn their back on me and not flinch while opening their arms to another? The cruelty is mind blowing. The pieces of a broken heart that are glued back together will never be the same.

We sold the home that we brought two of our kids home to. A home that I spent years creating and nurturing. This is not how I wanted to leave that home. I moved into my new place and hardly took any furniture with me to start fresh. New memories. I wanted to leave all of it behind me and start over. Build myself back up again. To become the best version of myself. For myself. For my children. But it’s impossible to leave it all behind…Because I have kids with the man. So he will forever be in my life. All the memories there to haunt me of the past and of what could’ve been. I hope for the day that my heart doesn’t race or that the knots in my stomach go away.

Some days are easy and others are completely wrecking. Grief is like glitter… when you try to clean it up, you will never get it all. Even long after the event, you will still find glitter tucked in the corners…it will always be there. But with grief comes healing. And I look forward to that freedom for my heart and soul.