My Son, My Moon And My Stars

The moment I found out I was pregnant with Saxon, I was so sad. For selfish reasons. I was finally enjoying time out and about with my husband, and being with friends and doing all kinds of fun things. My husband and I had said we were going to go for our third baby in the Fall…but then it happened smack in the middle of summer…and I was so upset.

I’m going to be real honest here. Before now, only my ex-husband knows this and I felt so guilty telling him this at the time. But I really struggled emotionally with my pregnancy, especially during the first half. While he was still able to go out like nothing changed, I couldn’t. And it hurt my feelings that he continued without me! On top of that, I was convinced it was another girl and I was NOT prepared to have another one. I already had a very opinionated, strong, independent daughter and I didn’t know how I could handle another. For several months I felt guilty because I didn’t really want him and I was upset at how much it was changing my life this time around. And Lennox was still so little that I wasn’t ready to give him up as my baby boy yet! So many difficult emotions and then the physical changes just made it even harder.

The day of our anatomy scan, as we saw that we would be welcoming another boy to the family, a huge weight was lifted. Poor Maeva looked at me sadly and whispered, “but I wanted it to be a girl!” And as sad as she was, I was so relieved. From that moment on, I felt better. A connection with my son. When I was alone, I would quietly hold my belly and whisper comforting “I’m sorry’s” as I made up for the months of struggling and battling those contradictory feelings.

I’m aware at how lucky I am to have my children and that I didn’t struggle with infertility. I’m not trying to downplay how amazing pregnancy and childbirth is either! The human body has amazing capabilities. I’m a witness to that. However, I’m simply honest about my true feelings because for one, I can guarantee I’m not the only to go through that, and second, any woman who’s had kids knows the sacrifice it takes to bear children. Not just emotionally, but physically. I literally grew a human. My insides reconfigured to accommodate a growing baby. I birthed that baby (c-section the first time), fed that baby and sacrificed more of my body and the emotional piece tied into all of it is intense, to say the least! And I did this 3 TIMES!!! I have stretch marks that will forever mark my body! And I got more with each one. That skin will never look (or feel) the same. I was in amazing shape and the changes happen quickly. It can really be disheartening. And you can’t do a damn thing about it. I was married to a fitness trainer so expectations were high…from him and myself and from expectations of the world around me. Did I lose the baby weight? Yes! Every time! Is my body the same? NO! And that is a struggle! We live in a time where body shaming is everywhere and we’re all striving for body positivity and I’m not bashing that by any means. But I think it’s completely normal to go through the waves of criticizing and loving our bodies at different times and phases in our life. I’m aware that I’ve lost too much weight lately (stress and anxiety has done a number on me), but I’m also conscious of what my body has the ability to accomplish. Building lean muscle in the gym, carrying and birthing children, not being ashamed of my wrinkles starting to show. I actually like my wrinkles around my eyes! It’s proof of a life that I’ve LIVED and they’re more prominent when I smile. I’m not ashamed of that!

I guess I got a little side tracked…but all of this to say that my last pregnancy shook me a bit. In several ways. It showed me a deeper sense of love for myself and especially for Saxon. When he was born and I had him on my chest for the first time, he never fully cried to clear his lungs. He just kinda whimpered. He was just quiet and peaceful and soaked that all up and in that moment I felt complete. He was the missing link for me. He’s my caboose. I knew he would be my last baby and I really try to enjoy him (and the other 2, of course). He is very much a mama’s boy. He’s super easy and laid back and so happy all the time! He’s a tank compared to my other two and he just makes me smile. I love his hugs and it’s my absolute favorite thing when he wraps his arms around my neck and whispers “I love you” to me every time I put him to bed or down for his naps. Those split second moments make up for all the crazy, difficult, wild and utter chaos of daily life as a mom. Those are the moments that remind me I’m doing something right. The purest form of love. I love that when I’m sitting down, he always finds his way into my lap. His personality is gold and I’m a lucky Mama to have him as my son. He’s goofy and does the funniest things that put a smile on my face. I treasure the mornings that he crawls in bed with me before Lennox and Maeva come barging in to start the day. Just those few minutes for him and I. He loves to dance and his favorite song is “Who Let the Dogs Out.” That is his jam!! He’s starting to show his independence by putting on his own shoes and doing things all by himself…and copying his brother and sister. Especially with all the naughty things they say and do. Heaven help me!! My little boy is turning TWO and getting bigger by the day.

If there’s one thing I want my children to remember, I hope it’s the love that was felt at home. The safety of walking in the door and knowing that I was there to hold them, wipe away their tears, celebrate their successes and love them through it all. Because there is no deeper, truer love than a mother’s love. Happy Birthday Saxon Man, I love you to the moon!!