I’ve got my good days and my bad days. And to be honest, most days I’m just trying to make it through the day with the least amount of confrontation and drama possible, lately. I know I’m not alone, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
A smile is really good at masking what is really happening in someone’s life. You really don’t know the battles someone is experiencing.
I wake up each morning to the sound of either my youngest yelling for me repeatedly, or my middle son hollering from the bathroom that he’s done pooping. It’s amazing. Bliss. Everything I ever hoped for. I don’t even need an alarm because they take care of that for me. Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is also hard. Being a single mom is VERY hard!! I never imagined I would be in this position, yet here I am. I thought it was hard before…well, I’m working harder now than ever and I’m doing everything I can to hold it all together when really, I’m at capacity…physically and emotionally.
Divorcing, managing a home, finances, selling our home, moving, working, and juggling the kids between all of it is a huge load to bear. I don’t have a minute to myself until they go to bed. And most of the time, I just end up sitting on the couch, watching half a show and falling asleep because I’m exhausted. I haven’t worked out since Thanksgiving and I really want to go get a pedicure or do something for myself OUTSIDE of my house. But that just isn’t option when there’s just me here. I do all of my shopping online or grocery pickups so I don’t have to load and unload everyone out of the car. Outings are calculated and planned differently because of COVID and visits with friends are less frequent. I don’t care how easy it looks! I wake up every day, put on a good face and do what I have to do but quite frankly, I’m burnt out. I sneak away into my bedroom, and there’s a kid that follows me. I walk into the bathroom, there’s a kid that walks in two seconds later, asking me what I’m doing. I walk upstairs, I have a kid that follows. I sit on the couch, there’s a kid in my lap and another snuggled next to me. Someone needs something from me at all times…a drink, a snack, someone is screaming, someone is hurt. No breaks, no relief until bedtime. Even then, as I’m tucking them into bed, I’m checking in with their emotions and feelings when I’m barely keeping my own together. I go to sleep. Wake up. Repeat. This is my life!
Do I love this life? Not so much at the moment. It’s the definition of “the grind.” Do I love my kids? More than anything! They are the reason I do it all each and every day. I have sacrificed everything for their well-being and that will never change. It all sounded so great to be an adult and have all the freedoms that come with it and to have kids…but it is the hardest job to be a parent. Rewarding? Sometimes. Ask me again another day.
I’m not saying all this to complain or for pity or for a pat on the back, but simply because I’ve gotta vent it out. Shine some light on a perspective that is often hidden out of fear. Vulnerability can be scary, but is not a weakness. It takes strength to expose the ugly parts of life and the journey of getting to a better place. This. Is. A. Hard. Time. I try to keep my feelings and emotions in check but let’s be real, I honestly can’t tell if I need to scream or if I just need a hug. Most of the time, I want to cry and scream and have someone hold me, all at the same time. I’m discovering my inner strength and I know I’ve got this. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I can’t wait for an ounce of relief…whatever that looks like. Life is hard and I don’t even expect it to get easier, but I’m looking forward to some change because this mama is spent!!
Despite all the hardships and enormous bumps in the road, I’ve vowed to make this the year of “ME.” I’m going to do all the things that I haven’t been able to do. All the things I have been denied. I will satisfy me because I have been on the back burner for too many years. I haven’t changed…I’m still the same independent, deep loving woman that I’ve always been…just finally dusting off my wings a bit.
Broken Crayons Still Color 
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